Habby Saturday! Saddurday NITE, now. Splatterdays are holidays in my whirl… because of obediench school, I suppose.
Hope we all had a fat Tanksgiffing, aside from the turkeys. The cat says she’s going to edit my spelling for this post, due to concerns for human comprehension, or some udder issue she is pawing over now… She says to pay no attention to bits of fur sticking out from under mai words… I may hab to undermind her… She is underware of her own felinity.
I’m finking about Holidays. I want to keep having them when things get ruff (yes, sorry, fingks will get ruff), and I want to consider having special days like people (and their dogs) used to have them, in a pre-consumer-bloated, non-greed-o-rama and over-consumption freakishness. Burf. Ralf. Ballooooon.
I don’t know about you types in udder countries, but my view of holidays here in the States is that they’re not really for the Peeps anymore, or even dogs, but for corporations. Corporashuns are not peeble!! Sez I. So… I fot I’d tiptoe through the holiday tulips… and dig them up.
AND, I hereby renounce ANY conscious enabling of corporate anything. AND, I hereby put in my vote for Bacon Day (EVRY DAY!!).
January: MLK, Jr. Day falls in this month. He was perhaps one of the greatest dreamers ever, peacemaker, shit-disturber, radically cool, someone easy to admire, and a shining star. An dat’s why his holiday isn’t even considered worthy of being let off work, which is annoying right there... But his actual birthday is the 15th, and that’s when I celebrate it (wif bacon), Monday or no Monday. At least they haven’t tried to make this holiday about something we have to BUY…
February: Groundhog’s Day has a lot of possible beginnings, so I’ll just choose the ancient Celtic one, Imbolc, (exsqueez me!) which could have been a celebration of the beginnings of Spring— Gotta love those Celts, they partied a lot. And what the hell else would they be doing, I ask you? I bet the Oligarchy would’ve hated them, always outside, no blue masks, having fun… And then Valentine’s Day is still about Love, even though there’s a lot of pressure to buy really good chocolate, if not diamonds, for your sweetie. And President’s Day I’m just skipping altogether, fuck those guys. Butt we can party because most of ‘em are dead.
March: St. Patrick’s Day, which turned into drinking, and you’re supposed to buy some chemical-laden corned beef, which has NOTHING to do with “Saint” Patrick (he did away wif all dem peskery Pagans, the great tosser/git/rubbishy wanker!), and I’ll just leaf it at dat. It’s obvious that the Irish have to drink a lot, cuz they live so near the English Monarky. And of course, THAT is why the English drink, too— It’s why ever buddy drinks!! AND why we celebrate that day, not for Bonnie Prince Fucking Charlie… (I can say that, because I’m full of Irish blood, and I drink outta the toilet, or a dog bowl.) But if you lived in Ireland under the Catholic Church, you’d surely be getting drunk a lot, too.
April: April Fool’s Day. We’re not pressured financially there, amazingly. But then there’s sometimes Easter… Easter is, deez days, barely anything but chocolate bunnies, chocolate bunny eggs (uh, what?), and stuffing the kids with sugar of any kind. Even if you’re a religious person, and Christian, you’ll be either going out to eat, or spending a bunch of money to buy all the good food, and then become exhausted cooking it all day. But if you donut suffer, you not worthy.
May: May Day used to be a Pagan rowdy day (weren’t they all? Okay, no, there were sixteen days that were NOT rowdy), a celebration of life and fertility… (shhhh! No fertility in front of the puppies!!) Back when being fruitful and multiplying seemed perfectly wonderful… Like now, except ever buddy knew what gender dey were. I like the seasonal tings, the changing of da trees, da sleeping of da bears and da wee varmints. Spring… it’s a cheerful fing after freezing your bootox arf for months… And, Mom Day also involves spending a bunch of money so Black Rock can have nice fings. Memorial Day used to be about dead ancestors— now it’s about dead soldiers. I fink it usta be Peace Day, or somefing was, but they kilt it.
June: Dad’s Day, also a good thing, and buy him a CAR, if you’re worthy. If not a car, take him out to dinner, or if you don’t like him that much, make him barbecue for hours on end in a lame Dad aproon. There’s also Juneteenth, now added to our calendars foamally, to memo-realize when, after the Civil War ended, troops showed up in Texas (Bing!) to make sure nobody was still trying to enslave anybody. And there’s Flag Day, which turns into another military thing, but nobody cares about that day, either, except for advertisers and flaggers.
July: Of course the Big One, the Fourth of July, which is about nothing, nothing at all, but fireworks. I thought maybe in 2020, or 2021, or PLEASE, in 2022, my country would have done something a tiny little bit rebellious, but nooooooo. Booom, bang, ka-pow, scare the hell outta me an all my frens! Sound like war!! Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!
August has NUFFIN, so I’m glad to have my dad’s birfday in there. But if you’re not spending every cent you’ve made all year on a really amazing vacation, you’re a stinky ol’ twit. (Remember, in Murka, even tho nearly most of us are poor, we can’t admit it, lest we be cashed out into the darknesh.)
September: Celebrating kids going back to school, until Covid kilt dat whole thing. But it used to be TONS of cash for buying clothes exactly like all de udder kids have. Labor Day has been turned into NUFFING at all, because laborers get the middle finger for their ability to force themselfs to go to horrible, soul-grinding jobs that pay the same wages as teenagers made in the 70’s. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. It feels like FALL!! said somebody and I hope it’s the FALL of oligarky… But we all inside starin’ at skreeeeeens all day anyway.
October: The 10th is Slaughter of Native People’s Day, well— that’s how I think of it, anyway, and I wear my Beaded Navajo collar I got in Santa Fe when I was a wee puppy. Don’t even get me started on that vile POS Columbus. And den, Halloween used to be seasonal, maybe to do with our ancestors, or end of year after Harvest; now it’s about teenage vandalism and children poisoned by cheap, disgusting, GMO candy not even worth sniffin’. Bud in Mexico, it’s the night before The Day of the Dead (ancestors again!), and in Ireland it used to be New Years’ Eve.
November: Veteran’s Day, yet another flag-waving day for war. This time it’s for soldiers that survived— I’m glad bout dat. And then Thanksgiving, which is about stuffing yourself after stuffing an innocent bird, (nom nom nom) and lying around… Sounds made for dogs to moi. But Black Friday… worthy of being disemboweled, I say... Maybe instead a day for Not Buying Nuffin. I vote we make it a blackout on spendie day! One thing we do for next year…?
December: A sweet babe, born of an unwed mother in a barn… Forget that and spend like an oligarck until yer debt goes into next October. There was no room in the Inn, and no dogs, but take out a loan for Santa! Nothing HAND-MADE, either, losers. Forget spiritual health and think about material welff! And if you’re not religish, or you be of a diffrnt religin, BUY STUFF ANYWAY. it makes retailers feel good and mebbee they will have sales in Jamuary.
I majjin dis Disemble and maybe the first of Jamuary might be the last time most peeps gonna behave like mindless spending bots. It’s going to get a bit thin, I think, and probably we will get thin, too. So lettuce think about what’s really important, and let’s get a jump on dis… We can rememble what’s really important in life, and dat will be ONE good thing coming out of all this insanity… (Other than dogs.) Mebbee we start countin’ good things now.
So keep your hearts good and warm. Be knights to littles and eldies, an yore depraved family like mine. You donut have to be religious to recognize Good. We all have our own waze, and we don’t have to compare notes, or chekkup on some buddy, just treat (TREAT!?) each other with KINDNESS. Be like dogs.
Good advice - be like dogs. Electromagnetic beings all.
God outdid himself making dogs. That pic with 2 dogs and cat is totally cute !