Four days ago, which seems like months, I became discontinued. The wave that started— well, it started the day I came home from the hospital with my mother, but the hard core of it started about two and a half, three years ago. In some ways it’s worn me down, but strangely, in other ways, and I’m seeing this clearly today, it’s made me very strong. Stronger than I was before all this began. I won’t go into all the family dysfunction, I’ve already done that. Suffice to say, I donut know if I’ll ever be allowed to say goodbye to my parents; it’s looking doubtful that I’ll be able to visit them without surveillance, and maybe not ever again. Well, that sucks, but you know, if I can’t, I can’t.
I’m just beginning to feel something like relief… I feel like I’m in a dream, something unreal. I’m beginning to detach from it all, which feels healthy and, well, inevitable, if I’m to survive. So, here I am, just me and no actual dog, pretty broke, being told by the IRS (Insufferable Rodent Squad) that they’re keeping half of my illegally-seized wages that were supposed to be refunded, thinking about selling everything I own, packing up my car and heading… anywhere away from here.
I’m also thinking about trying to get back on my four feet and damn the torpedoes. I’m starting a new little Proofreading service here on Substack, since it’s all about words here, and being a Word Herder, that’s perfect for me (woof!). It’s called “Momentary Paws Proofreading” and what do you think about charging $10/page, or 250 words, approximately? I’m actually very good at this, especially anything that isn’t written by me, which is typical of Most Beings.
Anyway, thinking about these things, family things, and trying NOT to wallow in self-pity, or rage…for a change. I’ve been reading. I have a book, a really excellent book, that I bought some years ago, called “Beasts,” by Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson, published in 2014 (BC, ha ha). I really like the author, and the book is hard to put down (like dogs). I do recommend it! I read things and then forget a lot of what’s in them, details-wise, over time (This is why I’ve started re-reading “The Invisible Rainbow.”). This book is particularly interesting now, post 2020. It’s about the behavior of animals AND of all you human animals, too, and in comparison/contrast.
Animals seem to be much nicer than humans, generally speaking (woof!). Their facial expressions do not give them away, but their actions DO. The need to dominate and punish seems not to be part of most animals’ behavior, with a few and far-between exceptions. But it’s pretty interesting how humans have so many insults for each other than are the names of … other animals (so rude, and typical, just typical). Just think of that— soooooooo many insults are the names of animals! Why? Read the book, you’ll be captivated. You can read mine, IF you come and visit, with bacon.
With this book fresh in my mind, I will use it as a backdrop to sort of give my own take of the issues. Of course, I’m consciously applying a fair amount of this man’s wisdom to my own family situation… So much of human interaction seems to involve being part of a HERD. There’s us, and there’s the “other”— Them. They are not like us, and therefore they are not us, and therefore they are Not Worthy.
Yesterday on Substack there were a couple of conversations I got into, in the comments of this or that, involving, it seemed to me, a lot of pressure to sort of jump to conclusions about people, after wondering if this or that person, mostly rather famous persons, were “controlled opposition” or somehow a “Them.” I suddenly find myself having a very hard time being willing to “Them” somebody without having enough information to feel sure about it. I feel particularly sensitive about this, ominously— and it’s directly to do with what has happened to me at the hands of family members (lies, lies, and damned lies…), and the willingness of others who don’t know me at all to simply go along with it, and even add their own smack-down. Like a witch hunt—and I’ve never turned anyone into a newt. Just like we see happening all over the world these days… A whole lot of SAYING things, with no solid evidence. It seems more of a plague than a “plague.”
(What the hell IS a “plague,” I wonder, now that I’m fairly confident that contagion is indeed a myth! Owww, rooo roooo rooooooo!)
Anyway, last evening I found myself watching Youtube videos about how animals showed kindness to other animals, or to humans, or humans being kind to animals… And I had to shut it off, because it was causing me to weep like an infant. NOT productive at all, NOT helpful. WTF, anyway!? But no matter, I will never allow my own compassion to be diminished; what I DO think might be helpful is to STOP TRYING TO BE HELPFUL!! Unless I’m asked. Being an empath is pretty difficult sometimes, because I physically and emotionally feel what others feel. I have to step away, and I’m learning how to do that now. I think being denied, with a very hard smack upside the head, that has finally taught me NOT to try and help unless I am ASKED and maybe pleaded with… I can’t shut it all out, but I CAN train myself to exercise PRUDENCE about my response. I think the empathy keeps me from leaping to judgment, but it also sucks me into things I don’t need to be IN. Discipline, without losing my compassion, that’s the job. And when you’re slammed into the Learning Box, with serious bruising, you start to pay attention… Trying to FIX MY OWN stuff by trying to help others, NO. “Go lie down.” “Get off the rug,” we used to tell our dogs.
And… all the memories of family will have to be put away for a while. I have not always been aware of the fact that LOTS of people suffer from abuse by family members, and LOTS of those people try to convince themselves, as I did, that it’s not really abuse. And then the tactics to stuff it down— drug and/or alcohol abuse, “taking it out” on others, misbehaving, self-harming, and a great variety of all that. There is a certain kind of courage required if we/I decide to strip it all away and look at the hard facts. And how liberating that can be… wow. I do understand what the Buddha was talking about when he talked about how to stop suffering… It’s not turning off feelings or compassion, it’s not shutting down the heart or becoming cold-blooded, it’s just courtesy… Wait to be axed, I mean, asked. Go lie down.
I kept wondering, and maybe still do, and maybe will, for a while, because it seems to be a journey… I keep demanding of my four walls, “What (the HELL) did I do to YOU to deserve this? But that’s the wrong question! I didn’t do anything to “deserve” this or that… That’s like giving my tormentor(s) a god-like power, to decide MY worthiness. The question is, “How do I be present without trying to “FIX IT”? And then rememble to “GET ARF THE RUG, JDOG. NOW.” It’s not about ME, it’s about Whoever it is. I have to remind myself of this repeatedly, and anytime I feel myself sliding into that pool of self-pity.
I cannot fix my own broken tail by fixing someone else’s. Now, Go lie down.
For anyone who happened to see a couple of exchanges over the past day or so, involving whether or not This or That Person is some sort of “controlled opposition,” based on nothing more than guesswork, by looking at certain behavior, but not having ALL THE INFO required to make a solid determination— I just can’t do it anymore. Yes, sometimes I get a strong intuitive feeling about someone, or something, but I find that lately, that is very much curbed, on purpose, by me. There are just too many factors, waaaaay too many, for me to make judgment on others. I’m not saying never will I do that, but not so much! I wish I could talk, in a room, with tea, maybe, and discuss Before and After being publicly abused with Mike Yeadon or others who have been through it. But mostly I’d just like to engage in a game of Acey/Deucey.
So. I’m also here to ask those of you that are willing, to help me with my heating bill that’s due soon. I was struck by the amount: $111.11. Okay, that feels very… significant somehow, I look at clocks and VERY OFTEN I see things like 11:11, or 5:05, or 12:21, etc etc, and I DO SEE 11:11 quite often! I’ve heard several ideas about what exactly is going on there, but… I don’t need to have an explanation, or even a theory. It’s been true for me for decades, maybe always. And once, when I was a teenager, I heard the radio playing in my teeth. It was surely the cat’s doing.
Emaho, Penno Penno Soha!
I’m selling cartoon books, too… Three of them for $30 total. Help me out, if you can and want to. I’m unable to do the Substack thing, because I don’t have a bank account, and so I can’t be EASY about this… I CAN take Money Orders (Safeway is cheap) and you don’t have to put your name OR your address, and I will happily send you my address, if you want to do that. One can also use Western Union… And I STILL have PayPal, even though I’ve tried repeatedly to get rid of them, they may turn out to save my assssssh… Anyone who helps will get cartoons… AND I’ve kind of learned how to use the nasty little laptop to make more… Here’s an example…
A bit rough, but— I can do it, I’ll get used to it (it really pisses me arf!)… It’s just like a whole nuther medium...NOT my olde Arfice 2007, lol. I’m working on figuring out some way to get my toons and other artwork (paintings) “out there” for sale, too… I’m going to start doing paintings on PAPER small enough to MAIL. I also have stories for kids, sometimes illustrated, and humor writing, and even some actual, sirius pottery… Ja ja jarf!
Okay, here’s the PayPal address— in Port Orchard: Please help, as Lilu said in “The Fifth Element,” right after the Big Ba Da Boom…
I KNOW everybody hates PayPal, but right now, it’s all I’ve got that’s kinda “instant.” If you want to send me CASH, great, I’ll send you my actual address. I donut care no more. I yam living in the NOW, Bow wow wow! Roof! Burf, etc etc. So help me dog. So, PayPal, Money Orders, Cash via the Post Orifice, or even Westing Onion… Help? Fangks, for da mammaries.
https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/JaanCarter
And now, I’m ARF to take my walkies…
Rightio! Check your email.... I want some cartoon books please!
Great idea!! Good luck Jaan!! You'll be very good at proofreading ❤️