We, the People of the Earth, are living in “Interesting Times.” I feel that we are in a kind of birthing process, and birthing is generally a fairly messy business. It feels like we, as individuals, are birthing newer versions of ourselves, and communally, we are birthing a newer version of Humanity. And I’m not referring to some kind of “hybrid” of human beings and technology! Puke the idea of it! Technology is a tool, it’s not meant to be part of our bodies, or part of our DNA, or any of that very bizarre talk we hear from Mr. Global. That guy is a soulless, pitiful guy. You know how many of us have been told to fill our spiritual emptiness with stuff? Mr. Global is trying to fill his spiritual nothingness with POWER. Over the rest of us. We can’t allow that.
This morning, after much pondering, much questioning, striving, pleading, even, with the Divine, I made a big decision, something that I’ve been sorting out, examining, probing, testing, and today finally accepting, right now, today, in my soul. Much as it takes courage to unveil one’s sexuality as a part of one’s personhood, coming out for me is about having the courage to step out from behind my armor of humor and be vulnerable. I do have an internal dog, and I do love writing humor, yet I feel this blog is for my heart, my soul, and my destiny.
I love my sense of humor. It can be corny, absurdist, dark, slapstick, wordplay (as you’ve seen)... It gets me through rough times, it makes me laugh when I’m alone, it lightens the load, as it surely is meant to do. Over the past two years, it’s been a comfort, a tool, a means of enlightenment, and it’s also been a shield, as always. I cannot abandon it any more than I can stop thinking. I realize now, and really, this has been floating up to the surface of my consciousness for some time now, that I have been hiding behind it. Why? The answer, as is very common, is simple. The explanation, however, is complex. It’s protection. I’m afraid to be hurt, more. The irony is, it doesn’t protect me at all, really. I can be as hilarious as I am able, and I still get emotionally wounded, beat up, kicked around, pounded down. I am also a healer, and I can say that now, without cringing. I am a healer, it’s my nature, and I’m owning it right now. I am a blue healer sometimes, but often as not, I’m a pretty happy healer. So, I’m going to be brave.
Remember that saying, “The sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons”? It seems to me, and maybe there’s the rare exception, that families are started by wounded people, and they can’t help but wound their children. And so on and so on. None of it is really deliberate, I would say, although it seems that way. It’s done out of a hurt/hurting that is so walled-in we think we’re protecting ourselves when we do it to others. Healthy, psychically un-bruised people have no reason to hurt anyone else. I’m really oversimplifying this, because I’m not a clinician, and because it’s not what I want to do here today, to explain why we’re all battered. We all know we have psychic bruises, do we not? Even when I have been in happy days, I’ve been bruised. I spent a lot of time trying to escape that, and we can’t. We have to face it. Stare it down. Embrace it, learn from it, and let it go.
I’ve been trying to understand how to forgive people. I can’t really explain this without talking a little about my family, but I don’t think I need to be overly-detailed, either. I don’t know many people who don’t have the same problem of family members who hurt other family members—do we not, virtually all of us, know that drill? Yeah, it’s a drill, alright. I will delve into this more in future posts. For now, I will simply say that unless I am willing to abandon my quite elderly parents to being eventually forced into trusting strangers, being at the mercy of people who don’t know them, then I must find a way to work through these issues. Because I’m not willing to abandon them, this is clear to me. So... How do I forgive others who hurt me, and how do I heal, and protect, my Self? I want to know the difference between doing what I do because I am battered, and doing what I do because it’s the Right Thing to Do.
So I’m going to do my humor writing somewhere else. Oh, I might sprinkle a bit over these posts, but not like I’ve been doing, from my Internal Dog, who is a true Dog in a China Shop. I want to SELL it, actually. Because I have no income, and also because I do enjoy writing humor. But…that’s another vehicle for another trip.
Today I am telling you that I am making a commitment to myself, and to anyone who wants to read my posts, that I will henceforth be talking about HEALING, and the HUMAN SPIRIT, and how to deal with the incredible evil that is clouding our days, and how we are going to make it through the next few years, and into the Next Dimension for Humanity. It’s going to be through our SPIRITS, not some damn technology. I am beginning a new time for me, as a Wounded Healer, by living through my heart, not just my head. I feel called to do this. I feel it’s the Right Thing To Do. I’m not sure exactly what that means yet, but I am not hiding anymore. I think it means getting more involved with my actual, real-life community, my neighbors and my fellow townies. And if you like my humor writing, it’ll be around. I’ll let you know where.
So... I’m stepping out!
Around 1795 one of my ancestors came from France to Canada. His name was Pierre Sauriol dit Sansoucy-(the tag means to be without a care, without worry). It was a 'nom de guerre'. So from what I can gather, that relative came to Canada as a military man, and may have been someone who hunted Native Americans. Can't really say, but I know that what is carried in our very cells as horrific experiences of death and destruction do seem to get incorporated into our psyches in ways that are very buried, especially years later. That being said, I am someone who has never picked up a gun. I took the BLM movements seriously but have come to a point where I realized it was a way to say that because of the circumstances of my birth, I was born guilty of the sins of my predecessors. Or, put another way, we are all just as guilty as Derek Chauvin. I have had to reject that idea, for it does not allow me to consider myself a decent person. It is a very destructive and limiting idea, to say we are equally guilty for the sins of our foremothers and forefathers. This is the life that matters more, to be judged on, not the one 225 years ago.
In many ways, you are speaking for me as well. Thank you!