I'm preparing to surrender my father to the State.
I see no alternative, since I don’t have the means to bribe anybody.
FYI, I've been sheltering my dad in my small cottage since December 14. If I continue to resist, by refusing to surrender him to the State, the deputies will come and remove my dad, and maybe put me in jail. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just kind of stunned, and ... empty, and... tired. I'm exhausted. Sleep-deprived and ground down… There are no sleeping dogs.
The State (in the guise of a “Guardian Ad Litum”) seems to wish that both my parents are put AGAIN under the "care" of my brother Marc, who has some sort of un-diagnosed mental illness, but mostly is just exactly NOT a caregiver.
My brothers have bullied me for years, and nearly two years ago, took me to court and lied, lied, lied, and it seems that everyone believes them, not me. Wah. I am working hard to forgive them, for they know not what they do… I think of Mike Yeadon. He’s a good exampler.
No attorney, I’m poor; and also because attorneys seem to be mostly cowards— they are afraid to lose, it’s not good for their reputations. And they don’t want to hear me, they just believe my brothers’ diatribes. Okay, whatever, so I stand alone, (my parents can't remember what's going on) and my parents have no one to advocate for them besides me. My brothers’ “advocacy” consists of smearing me. (Eye roll here.)
Sadly, at this time, my one viable hope is that somehow my parents can depart this plane of existence before having to suffer much further— now, that’s desperate, isn’t it? Perhaps some miracle will happen… But it may well be that what happens when they are forced to visit the doctor, who will surely jab them up but good, will be that they are released... (I feel like that guy is actually a HUGE part of why they are in the shape they’re in— with his statins, and his jabs, and his drugs, drugs, drugs. More irony! Does he know what he does is Evil? He should know— He gets kickbacks!)
I am, apparently, officially a pariah these days; hardly anyone seems to believe anything I say. I am definitely being smeared, and I'm not even famous, although I used to be in bands... I wonder if things would be like this if I were not a bitch? I am really not feeling sorry for myself, I don’t think! Okay, maybe a bit. Mostly I’m just baffled. And sad. And sometimes really, really angry, but I can’t maintain it too long, and I donut like it anyway.
My dad wanted to help me with rent, but now, since he doesn't get to choose who he wants to be his advocate, hold his POA's, or anything else, I am simply SOL. I want to work, but I have Dad— until next week. I thought I should take care of my folks, and became a caregiver to learn how (the money is really lousy, too). It seems that was somehow another thing I’ve done “wrong.” It seems everything I’ve done now has some kind of nefarious “intent.” Geezuz… WTAF.
The State has done what my dad and I tried to do: Put brother JFC (yes, those are his real initials, ha harf!) OUT of my folks’ finances, which is what my dad wanted to do —and to put me as his POA’s, but he isn’t allowed to have his own choices anymore— and since he couldn’t do that without my help, obviously I was manipulating him.
Sidetrack: What exactly is UNALIENABLE, if not having some control, or at least some SAY in what you want? And the way the “interview” happens is all very official, and has nothing to do with the elder’s fears, or comfort, or time of day (it matters)… Being able to have help from a trusted advocate? No, it’s all about the INTERVIEWER, and the COURT, and office hours, and THEIR comfort, I suppose. Too bad, that’s just “how it is.” It’s only someone’s life, and their life savings… Sigh.
And speaking (woof!) of savings, I'm broke. I need a new lifedrugmouse, but it’s hard to find one now that has a tail (cord). Ah, Paraguay, I hear you calling me…
I want to post cartoons… My external Hard Drive doesn’t plug into my cheap, crap laptop, and no mouse… I'm thinking about doing a GoFundMe, but I hesitate; I have a hard time asking for help, ie, money. I tried to get rid of PayPal, but I couldn’t even get my post about it to POST… When I get my tax refund… Grrrrrrrrrrf. Does anyone want to start a GFM for me? Okay, I asked. Yes, I feel weird about it.
LOL, actually. It’s pretty funny, all the stupid shit in my life! The irony, oh, the irony. The humor of it all is not logs on me. I play the lottery. If not for Food Stamps, I'd be done. I was commissioned to draw a cartoon for a "friend," and she removed my name and sent it to some website, where it sat, without my name on it— and she had the gall to direct me to that website, as if I’d be HAPPY she’d basically stolen my artwork!
Puis, c’est la guerre.
I am trying to forgive everyone, as Frances advised... It's easy to do that, sometimes. Other times, I'm nothing but enraged, because of the callous disregard I see directed toward two old people who can't defend themselves-- Cruelty, especially wanton cruelty, makes me so angry. (And FFS, RFK, Jr.—— “most pampered” —— REALLY?)
My old new phrase: Resist Not Evil: Work Around It. The last time I “let go, (or) (so to not) be dragged,” my parents both ended up in the hospital, and then all this started…
But, shall I keep trying to protect my folks? I don't know how to continue. The hatred my brothers have for me is palpable, and I can't even understand fully why. Betrayal really sucks. I can live with that, but how do I just walk away from my parents? I don't see that I have a choice, really. I know that I am sleep-deprived and worn down, and that’s not a good time to make long-term decisions.
I think my next move is to get a job. I WANT a job. And yet… How can I turn over my poor parents to the SAME SITUATION they were in before? Only maaaaybe a bit better, or maaaaaaybe a lot worse? I am feeling my way along… And I don’t really have a choice.
Dad just woke up. "Good Morning," I tell him. "It's sunny."
God, my heart aches for you. All this time I thought I had a paid subscription, but I just noticed I didn't, so I remedied that. Not much help, but it's all I can do right now.
One person alone cannot take care of an elder who needs 24/7 help. It's no help to him or anybody if you grind yourself down until you get sick and need help yourself. There's too much against you. You did your best but it's come time to let go. You can't let things go on until the deputies come knocking with a court order. Never mind forgiving your enemies, forgetting them because you are no longer having to deal with them is way better. Forgive yourself. You did everything that a person could do.
I admire my neighbour in this building, old Phillip. He's 92 but he's still doing his own shopping and living on his own (I think he gets a care giver to look in on him once a week). I hope when (and if) I find myself hanging around so long I can be as hale as him right to the end. If somebody has to take care of me I don't want it to be my daughter trying to do it when she's in her 60s. I was a factotum and night clerk in an old folks home for a few years (Gosh. It was 10 years ago now!) so I know what a hard job it is. If I have to be cared for I want it to be people that are paid for it.
Best of luck and I hope you get free of your brothers and stop wracking yourself to death trying to do what you just don't have the capacity to do.
God, my heart aches for you. All this time I thought I had a paid subscription, but I just noticed I didn't, so I remedied that. Not much help, but it's all I can do right now.
One person alone cannot take care of an elder who needs 24/7 help. It's no help to him or anybody if you grind yourself down until you get sick and need help yourself. There's too much against you. You did your best but it's come time to let go. You can't let things go on until the deputies come knocking with a court order. Never mind forgiving your enemies, forgetting them because you are no longer having to deal with them is way better. Forgive yourself. You did everything that a person could do.
I admire my neighbour in this building, old Phillip. He's 92 but he's still doing his own shopping and living on his own (I think he gets a care giver to look in on him once a week). I hope when (and if) I find myself hanging around so long I can be as hale as him right to the end. If somebody has to take care of me I don't want it to be my daughter trying to do it when she's in her 60s. I was a factotum and night clerk in an old folks home for a few years (Gosh. It was 10 years ago now!) so I know what a hard job it is. If I have to be cared for I want it to be people that are paid for it.
Best of luck and I hope you get free of your brothers and stop wracking yourself to death trying to do what you just don't have the capacity to do.