Warning:
I’m in a very dark mood. I feel as though I have fallen down a well, and nobody is around to hear me shouting “I’m in the well!” Oh, and there you are, too. Oh, and look, all the rest of us… It’s small consolation that some of us know we’re in the well, while others seem perfectly happy to wait for the lights to go back on.
It’s been at least six months since I’ve been hugged, except for my parents, who are afraid to hug me longer than a few seconds, because I might be “contagious;” no kisses. The few times I’ve made contact with others, in real life, physically, it falls apart, either because they realize I’m not jabbed, or maybe because by now I’m so needy, I just yammer like I haven’t spoken to anyone in years… I can’t help it. I’ve always been a bit of a talker, but now it’s like a compulsion… I’m aware of these things, but I’m still embarrassed about it, even though I know it’s because I’m being tortured, literally, as we all are. That’s right: Isolation is actually a form of torture.
There is no actual science for those who listen daily to propaganda AND who are obedient to authority AND who are stressed out with having anyone tell them anything beyond what they’ve heard from TV. Mass Formation Psychosis, or just being unable to deal with the incredible negative message that we’re under attack by psychopaths, is real. The entire world has been under attack, and has been tortured, for TWO YEARS now. But what can you do with people who cover their ears and sing “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!” as loudly as they can. Nothing. You leave, and throw plates at the wall.
I haven’t been able to find work because I cannot, and will not, harm myself by attempting to do something I really can’t do— wear a fucking mask over the parts of my face that I breathe with— maybe I could deal with being blind, but not having my breathing messed with. I am irate half the time, and most of the rest of the time I’m depressed. I have moments of hope, and then those escape like apples rolling down a slide. I have long wrestled with the idea about writing these things because I have felt that I should be a source of hope for others… Be strong, be brave, hang in there, I tell people. I tell myself this, too. I rack my brains trying to come up with some uplifting words. Is that helping? I have no idea. It helps me, sometimes, but… not all the time. And it seems to be getting worse. Maybe soon I’ll have to make a choice between life and life as a slave.
And today I can’t summon up the hope— I feel like the walls are closing in. My tax refund still hasn’t come and I’m down to the felt; I called the number to check the status and after a whole lot of fucking around, I get no answer to it. All automated, of course (Brilliant! They don’t have to take any complaints!). I call the number listed for the IRS, for a real person, and it puts me into the automated thing AGAIN. I became so irate I started throwing stuff around. I would LOVE to have a bunch of plates to smash, but then I’d have to do that every few hours just to work off the rage, and all I’d get would be a plate shortage.
I haven’t paid rent in two months and I don’t know how long my landlord is going to let this ride. He’s silent, mostly, so I have no idea when my time is up (not knowing is incredibly stressful right there! And then knowing that he sure as hell doesn’t need the money… More plates, please. I send out my resume (I’ve had compliments on it, so I know it’s not that) with a strong, upbeat cover letter, over and over and over, and the ONE response for something viable I’ve had in the past two months, or three? is one that felt like the job was surely mine— until they asked if I’d been “vaccinated” — and then it seemed to go up in a poof of smoke almost instantly. Really? You’re complicit with this, and you’re brainwashed, and you’re going to jerk away that job candy because you’re AFRAID? Of ME? THIS is who has power over my life??
I’ve been pretty much shut down on Facebook for trying to remedy this ignorance/fear/stubborn refusal to do ANY investigation or even question anything… It makes me convulse with irrational, barely-in-control rage. And they send me a hacker, into my email. Am I paranoid? Or is the CIA-created “social media” site sending little dickheads who sit around all day, snickering at making citizens like me feel like ripping their lungs out and stuffing them back down their throats? Considering the CIA and what they’re all about, I don’t feel silly about suggesting it.
Over five years ago, I gave up a large network of friends/clients in another state, making good money, where public transit was so good I didn’t need a gd car, and I moved to this pitiful town with barely any work (well, at least that I’m qualified/able to do) that isn’t absolute shit This, so I could be nearby for when my elderly folks needed me. I finally took work as a caregiver (barely ranking above janitor, with pay just as lousy) so I could learn how to do everything a caregiver might do. My mother was immediately on alert that I was going to take over her life; we have a loooong history (most of my life) of her sometimes very unpleasant behavior toward me, which she blames on me. My brother, who lives there, too, has some un-diagnosed issues that causes him to routinely lambaste the rest of us with rage and hatred, and so it would be very unhealthy for me to live there, even though I probably should live there, because my folks are really starting to need me to live there... And certain people, mom, think I should be a caregiver to them for no pay. All this, while I struggle to deal with possible eviction, and knowing that’s the only place I could possibly go, other than a shelter or a tent.
I have tinnitus, and I’m wondering if it’s caused by my landlord with his giant antenna for his ham radio (He says it couldn’t possibly be that). I’m on the brink of eviction. My country is under attack, but I’m finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do, and it’s a huge step for me to be getting clear about ME and MY CALLING, and having that realization that I can do this, but building a career as a writer takes TIME. I’m not interested in being “trendy,” I just want to be honest, do good work, and have a dog. I don’t have any other means of support; not married, not being supported by family, not a grant recipient, haven’t been able to work since August because of illegal mask mandates… What a great life! And I know by the time I’m able to retire for the meager little shit amount I’m supposed to live on, that meager little shit amount will no longer be available. Because they’re gonna say they’re bankrupt, and ALL my life’s contributions to my retirement will have been stolen, and too fuckin’ bad, Jaan.
I don’t blame myself, actually, I blame our culture, I blame the throw-away society, I blame the willfully ignorant, and those who refuse to question the government (who the fuck said it’s a good idea to TRUST THE GOVT??????) but most of all I blame the psychopath motherfuckers who have brought this down upon us, planned for it, gleefully sought to harm, manipulate, and KILL us. And they ain’t done yet, not by a long shot, but sooo many people are just going along, coping with more and more oppression… As if they believe we can just ride this out and then it will be okay. WTF. That’s not how tyranny works, folks.
There is nothing in the world more disgusting that super, filthy, outrageously rich white men. This all feels very much like being down a well, and nobody can hear me/us screaming. And this is because of censorship, people. That and the fact that our government made it legal, in 2013, to LIE to us: Propaganda!
Whatever any one of us may think about “viruses” and masks, and alllllll that slog, nobody can really deny that our Constitutional Rights have been shredded.
Gas just went up a dollar in the past week. Grocery prices are screaming. The medical mafia has gone ape shit— doctors don’t recognize the medical problems (forget legal problems) with masks (well, the censored ones do), go figure. We’ve lost the right to privacy, thanks to Big Tech, and that is getting worse almost daily. We’ve lost the right to decide whether or not to have an invasive medical procedure, by coercion (Fuck the Constitution, Fuck the Nuremberg Code, and FUCK Human Rights!). There’s so much radiation in the air, it’s surprising the chickens aren’t laying boiled eggs. We’ve lost Freedom of Speech… OK, sorry, folks, but democracy is long gone. No Freedom of Speech means TYRANNY.
It’s like math: No Freedom of Speech = Tyranny.
The mainstream press is absolutely complicit and is parroting all sorts of bullshit, every day, all the fucking day long. Oh, we can put the masks away… for now.
Is all this okay with you? IT’S FUCKING NOT OKAY WITH ME. I’m starting to have a desire to go commando. If we don’t stand up pretty damn soon, we’re gonna suffer incredibly more than if we do stand up. It ain’t over, folks, there ain’t no fat lady anywhere, singing or even warming up. In fact, I think she’s in a camp somewhere in Australia.
The next phase is economic catastrophe. It’s coming, there’s no question. If you don’t know this, you’re not paying attention. If you make it through that, it’s time to chip your brain and hook you up to the donkey wheel.
It's objectively overwhelming, this situation we are in. And depressing - depression being a state of feeling stuck and powerless. I think sometimes that those who do not feel depressed and overwhelmed, simply do not realise the full extent of what is going on.
And of course, when you are personally affected by it all, that makes it a whole lot worse and harder to maintain any sort of inner stability.
I think we are all somehow being cosmically tested, tempered by fire in some sort of attempt - presumably agreed to at some point as part of our soul plan - to burn out the base metal in our psyches and refine us into something that vibrates at a higher level. I hope so, anyway, because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate.
Whatever, it is not pleasant or comfortable, and not everything that goes into the forge comes out intact.
I'm sorry I don't have a better answer.
But sometimes, giving suffering a meaning and purpose can make it more endurable.
Viktor Frankl, surviving a concentration camp in WW2 but losing his entire family, was able to write in "Man's Search For Meaning": "Everything can be taken away but one thing: the freedom to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."
Undergoing what he did, he earned the right to say that.
It doesn't always help to think about people who have suffered so greatly, but rather than the suffering itself I found his story inspirational, at a time in my life when things were pretty bad for me.
Anyway, I will send you light and blessings, and hope that you manage to successfully navigate the physical world issues as well as the inner ones!
I've recently learned there is such a thing as a free state, where life goes on without restrictions.